Friday, June 15, 2007

Internet Porn

In holding interviews for the project that birthed this blog, one of the most common themes was a sense that internet porn, in it's unparalleled accessibility and endless depiction of almost any type of sex or violence, was corroding the line of consent. I couldn't articulate what that meant specifically, but I think the blog entry below from Jared Paul does.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

So, I fucked up and looked at internet porn last night.

i hate it and it made me feel gross
a long time ago i came to the conclusion that almost all porn on the internet made me feel sick. I've actually posted about it here before. Through the years i've gotten better at not looking. I've gotten it down to like 2, maybe 3 times a year, but as soon as i fuck up and look, i'm reminded of how sick it makes me.

i believe in Erotica. Where to find Erotica that doesn't make me sick? i dunno. I've got a fantastic imaginaton and never want it bad enough to make an effort to find it. i think we all agree that we all have our different ideas about what we think is acceptable in porn.

the idea of 30-45 year old dudes with money paying young 20 something girls from shitty back grounds to get fucked super graphically for shitty amateur websites makes me wanna kill myself.

not just because i know that a whole slew of surveys show that an extremely high percentage of women working in amateur porn, commercial porn, prostitution, and stripping reported having being sexually assaulted as a youth... not just because a proportionate % only sex-work while under the influence... not just because many of them develop multiple personality disorders as a result, and not just because it's something that'll be with them for ever, that they'll never be able to undo, not just because some of the girls i worked with in Group Homes have gone on to prostitution...

but because, to me, it feels like watching a beating. like when you see an ugly fight or beating in real life or graphic fight scenes on-line... it makes me feel sick in that same way. that same sick adrenaline tension.

like witnessing a molestation.

i scanned around and watched a single clip. And just couldn't get over thinking about how it seemed like an actual beating. I don't think it was what's billed as "violent porn," but the man was much bigger and older than the girl. And it seemed exactly like he was just acting out a fantasy. Like fucking the shit out of your partner without any interaction, like checking to see if they were ok... or tired... or wanted a break... just goin' to town... like she was a doll... like she was a slave... like she was trash... like an overseer doing whatever he wanted with a servant...

and it just felt like that... it felt like he could do anything to her... and it would seemlessly fit into the moment... it felt like a murder could happen. the way he was thrashing her around, like after it was done he could just take out a knife and slit her throat and it would just be part of the show.

it got me thinking about rape. and how thin the line is.

and about how many guys never considered their date rape, rape...
and about how many rapists don't see them selves as rapists...
and whether or not certain rapists prowl and assault women the same way that i look at porn...
like, "i know it's wrong. But i'm fucked up and it's an impulse. It'll never happen again..." And then, a year or two later... he sees an opportunity, AND BAM, it happens again... and he slips away... without the girl's older cousin finding out and murdering him in his apartment... without the cops ever finding him... without any consequence other than his guilt...


And it got me wondering how many of these Amateur porn guys have raped people before... and are now utterly astounded and relieved that although prostitution is illegal, they can pay an attractive 18-22 year old girl from the trailer park or the projects $150 to do almost anything they want to her on video... and it's legal because it's on the internet... and it's not considered prostitution because they are protected by the same laws that protect nudity and sex in Art...

got me wondering how many of these girls go there to find out that their one video shoot didn't go right... and that she won't get paid until they get the footage they want and that might take an extra 3 or 4 sessions...

like if she got really sore and needed a break...
or didn't realize how rough the extra $50 she took for the "Hardcore" shoot was gonna be and wanted to stop...

got me wondering how many times these girls are forced to do shit after the shoots...

got me wondering about what a rapist thinks about...
and it occurred to me for the first time in my life,
that MOST rapists, whether they attempt it or not, probably consider killing their victims at some point during the assault(s)... "oh shit, i never thought i'd take it this far (again?), oh god, if she tells anyone i'm fucked... how did i let this happen?! fuck even just going to jail, i think i might even deserve jail, but if this girl tells and i get caught, then i'll be a Rapist for the rest of my life... my mom will know, my job will know, my wife? kids? family? will know..."

got me wondering if the analogy was sound:

fighting : death
sexual intercourse : birth

and how easily sex can lead to death

got me thinking about getting more involved in sexual assault outreach as a volunteer; i used to have pamphlets for the Trauma Hotline at every Slam and have their Rep's in to speak, but i never volunteered with dropping them off in the community or training to work the phones...

got me thinking about what is acceptable...

got me thinking that i never want to look at porn that makes me sick again...

got me thinking that i should make myself more available...

got me thinking that i've never gotten to know a sex worker...
aside from a few childhood friends that did some stripping,
only online accounts...

my email is manicexpression@yahoo.com if you have had good or bad experiences as a sex worker and for whatever reasons want someone, or me in particular, to talk to about it please feel free to get in touch.

young girls... i don't know why this world hates you so much, but it does.
It acts indifferent, even friendly at times. But in it's secret heart, it wants to conquer you. To humilate you. To subjegate, defile, and degrade you.
It wants to hold you down and hurt till you cry out. It's secret heart says that you want it. That you deserve it. That's it's natural.

I do love my life and i am happy to be alive. I've been lucky enough to miss major trauma and am generally excited by every day. But sometimes i really hate this place. i wish i went out of my way to make people smile more often.

***
I think his gesture is amazing and want to add my email: rohdenburg.k@gmail.com for anyone who needs to use it.